The Balanced Nest Podcast · Episode 11
EPISODE NUMBER: 11
Why does everything turn into a power struggle? Why does your kid fight you on things that seem so small? Why does she suddenly refuse to do something she genuinely loves the second you ask her to do it?
I’ve asked myself all three of those questions. And the answer, every time, has the same thing underneath it. It’s not defiance. It’s control — or more specifically, the absence of it.
The Horse That Wouldn’t Get Ridden
A mom I know was frustrated because her daughter had been at summer camps and activities all day, every day, and when she got home she refused to ride her horse. Wouldn’t go near it. And this is something the kid genuinely loves to do.
When I zoomed out, here’s what I saw. Every hour of that kid’s day was managed and scheduled by someone else. Her time, her activities, her social life — all of it accounted for and decided. And the horse — the thing she loves, the thing her mom loves that she loves — became the one place where she could assert her own will. Saying no to the horse wasn’t defiance. It was a kid trying to control anything about her own life.
That’s the piece that changes everything when you see it. The power struggle isn’t really about the horse, or the homework, or the chores, or whatever the battle of the day happens to be. It’s about a nervous system that needs agency and isn’t getting enough of it anywhere else.
How We Got Here
The way we grew up is so different from the way kids grow up now. When I was a kid, I left the house and told my parents where I’d be going — and that was the first stop, not the last. We were gone all day. We managed our own time, made our own decisions, got lost and figured it out. There was built-in autonomy just from the nature of how childhood worked.
Today we do everything for our kids. We manage their schedules, their activities, their social lives, their meals, their screen time. They’re supervised and structured around the clock. And while the world has genuinely changed — and maybe some of that supervision is warranted, or maybe we’re just exposed to too much fear-based information now — the nervous system hasn’t changed. The developing sense of self still needs places where the kid is in charge. And if we’ve filled every hour and made every decision, they’re going to find a way to get some control back. Usually at the most inconvenient time possible.
This is also where, as kids get older, we start to see more extreme forms of control-seeking — self-harm, eating disorders, the things that look like crisis but are also, at some level, a kid trying to have dominion over something. I’m not saying that’s the only factor. But the loss of agency is in the mix more often than we talk about.
Structure vs. Micromanagement
I want to be clear about something because this isn’t an argument for letting kids do whatever they want. Structure matters. Limits matter. Adults who can hold a container and maintain boundaries — that’s not the problem. Kids without structure don’t feel free. They feel anxious. The boundary is actually what makes the space feel safe.
The difference is between structure and micromanagement. And between real agency and the kind of fake autonomy where you offer two choices you’ve already pre-selected and call it giving them a say. Real agency looks like asking your kid’s genuine input on things that affect them. Giving them actual control over certain domains of their life. Including them in planning rather than just informing them of the plan.
What We Actually Do: The Weekly Planning Meeting
In our house, we do a weekly planning meeting. Josie is 13, Izzy is 10. They each have their own day planners. They write down what we’re doing each week, their own goals for the week, and the things that matter to them — fitted in around the family schedule.
Does it go perfectly? Absolutely not. Do they always refer back to the planner? No. But we’re building habits. And more importantly, they feel like people who have a hand in their own life instead of passengers in somebody else’s.
Here’s how we actually build the week. The big fixed things go on first — outside commitments, activities with assigned times, anything we don’t control. Then family connection activities, because those matter and they get washed away if you don’t protect them. Then homeschool, then chores, then personal goals — actual time blocked for the things we’re working toward so they don’t disappear into the chaos. The kids add in what they care about in between. That’s the whole system.
Human Design Makes This More Specific
This is also where Human Design gets really practical. Different types need different kinds of autonomy and the approach that works for one kid genuinely doesn’t work for another.
Izzy is a Manifesting Generator. She needs the freedom to initiate and pivot — to start something, change direction, go back, skip steps. That’s not inconsistency, that’s how she learns. If her schedule is completely rigid with no room to move, she’s going to push back hard. The flexibility isn’t optional for her, it’s how her system works.
Josie is a Projector. She doesn’t need to be in charge of everything, but she needs to feel like her perspective genuinely matters. When she says something, she wants to know it was heard and valued. If she feels invisible in family planning, that’s going to come back and bite me somehow. For Projectors, recognition is the thing. Not control, but acknowledgment.
Working with those differences instead of trying to make everyone operate the same way changes the entire texture of family life. And it applies to the adults too — I’m a Projector, Ben is a Generator. The way we each need to show up and the kind of agency we each need looks different, and accounting for that matters.
What the Power Struggle Is Actually Telling You
When kids have real agency built into their lives, power struggles don’t disappear but the frequency and especially the intensity changes. Because they’re not constantly having to fight to get back some semblance of control. They already have some built in.
The kid who feels genuinely heard and included in their own life is a very different kid to parent than the one who’s constantly fighting for any scrap of control. And this goes all the way back to the terrible twos — which, honestly, were my favorite developmental stage. That’s not terrible behavior. That’s a small human discovering they have a say in their own life. The word no. The ability to want something specific. That’s a milestone worth celebrating, not surviving.
The next time you hit a power struggle, before you gear up to manage the defiance, ask yourself one question: where in this kid’s day did they have actual agency? If the answer is nowhere, the power struggle is the answer to that question.
One Thing to Try This Week
Have a genuine planning conversation with your kid. Not a briefing of what’s happening — a real conversation. Ask what’s important to them this week. What do they want to make sure happens? And actually listen to the answer.
Find one area where they can have real control. Not a managed choice — real control. What they wear, how they organize their space, what order they do their responsibilities in. Something where they’re actually in charge.
And if you want a simple daily check-in, we call ours tea time at dinner. My sister’s family calls it Rose, Bud and Thorn — the Rose is the highlight of your day, the Bud is something you’re looking forward to, the Thorn is something that was hard or frustrating. Quick, structured, everyone participates including the parents. That alone keeps a family more connected and regulated than almost anything else I’ve tried. And yes, parents share too. Letting your kids see that you’re human, that you have highlights and thorns just like they do, matters more than you think.
If this resonated, come find us in the Balanced Nest community on Skool — comment CONNECT on any episode or go to skool.com/the-balanced-nest-1542. Run your free Human Design chart at balancednest.com/chart.
0 Comments